Magical Driving Tips

I live just outside of New York City, where driving is a ninja-skill.  Crazed commuters on the West Side Highway, distracted moms in mini-vans, stressed- out shoppers in mall parking lots; trust me, this is Driver’s Ed on steroids.

Welcome to my world...

Welcome to my world…

So I take certain steps to ensure that I’m not unneccesarily sideswiped by some idiot in a Hummer (yes, people around here still drive those annoying behemoths).

The first thing I do when I get in my car is to buckle my seat belt, turn on the iPod and then envision a big bubble of white light around the vehicle before I pull out of the garage. Its my own little force field.

I keep a piece of black obsidian in the glove box, as a way to ground the energies of the car and ward off any negative energies from other drivers.

Traditional New Jersey greeting.

Traditional New Jersey greeting.

I also have a little Celtic cross hanging from the rearview mirror, but I’ve seen other cars with small dreamcatchers to capture any bad juju wafting from the other guy flipping you off.

Driving isn’t the only challenge around these parts:  finding a parking spot has its own skill level requirements.  I have circled one particular ginormous mall for 40 minutes (I timed it), seeking a slot.  That’s 40 minutes of my life I’ll never get back.

"This sucks. Suuuuucks!"

“This sucks. Suuuuucks!”

So now, I envision a helpful spirit running ahead of me to my destination and sitting his ass down in a great spot, right near the entrance.  Eight out of ten times, it works like a charm.  As for those other two times, guess he’s busy returning a pair of shoes at Nordstrom’s.

Here’s another spell to find a spot.  It involves invoking the name of “Squat,” the Parking Fairy.  Yes, there really is one. Anyway, touch your thumb to your ring finger, and say “Squat, Squat, find me a spot.”  Keep doing this until you find your spot, then thank her by saying, “Squat, Squat, thanks a lot.”  If there’s no parking meter involved, drop a penny as an offering.  This mini ritual is HUGE in New York City!

Essential driving/parking tool.

Essential driving/parking tool.

Speaking of pennies, there’s a tradition around here of tossing some loose change into a new car.  The first time someone did it to my little Honda Civic (RIP), I was all like “WTH?”  But it brings you luck and safety as you cruise around in your awesome new wheels.  Remember to leave the change where it lands.

Granted, these little rituals are no substitute for being a safe driver.  Don’t be a jackass (we have enough of those on the road already).  But personally, I find them a helpful addition to my AAA membership.

Happy driving.

Advertisements

3 responses to “Magical Driving Tips

  1. This is an awesome post. 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s